I’m going off to work tonight without knowing whether I’ll still do the same routine next week. This week will be my 6th month (90th day to be exact) working as a Technical Support Representative for a call center a few kilometer aways from home, my first full-time job, and this is also the week when I’ll know if I’ll be regularized (i.e. continue to work for the company) or not (i.e. go look for another job). It’s not just me who is having this dilemma but a few of my wavemates as well. My wavemates by the way are fun people who I have met last April of this year and might have include one person who might have peeked my interest without me realizing it (thanks to my apathetic personality who has already forgotten those feelings).

Well anyways, going back to what I was saying, this week will be very significant indeed and, funny enough, I don’t feel anxious at all. True, I was anxious to a point of being nerve-wracked for a few days, two weeks ago when our team leader is “supposedly” going to announce who will be in and who will be out via a one-on-one talk but it turns out, that was not definite at all. The anxiety dissipated to a we-don’t-care-anymore attitude especially for us who didn’ get a chance to have a one-on-one talk with our team leader before the papers where sent to our HR department. That’s that!

I guess this is just how I am, a happy-go-lucky person who doesn’t give a heck about what is going on. This is one of the rare traits that I don’t hate myself about because, thanks to this trait, no matter how bad and dire the situation is, the pain from all of it is drastically reduced.

I guess this is really what they call apathy. 



I just realized something about myself – I am a half-hearted person.

A midnight walk can sometimes be a good thing. The calmness of the night and the serenity of the moon enables one to think clearly and make sudden realizations just like the one I had above. For the longest time I have been bothered as to why even though I know where I am going I always end up landing on the starting point and that’s when I realize that everything I do is half-hearted. I cannot remember a time that I really did commit myself to anything and I never seem to be able to do so. I set a lot of goals for myself but I quit halfway through. 

I hate it. 

What the ef?! *punches myself to see if I am still asleep*

What the F?!
What the F?!

 I woke up this afternoon to find my Smart Bro(ke) connection broken but instead of gritting my teeth in frustration like I usually do when the freaking thing is not working the way I want it to be, this time around I was left pinching myself dumbfounded as to why the heck it’s going too fast to a point that I have to question if myself if I am awake or just stuck in a mid-afternoon dream.

 Actually what I said above is an understatement – It’s FREAKIN’ EXPONENTIALLY faster than before. I mean, how the heck can a 312kbps connection jump from a measly 40kbps top download speed to something that just won’t leave the 100kbps mark? It can’t happen. It’s just not possible unless of course they somehow increased the speed that they are provisioning me thereby increasing the top download speed leaving me with the question: “So it really can go to those speeds eh?”

 This is not the first time that this has happened. I had been enjoying “true” streaming videos for several weeks now using Smart Bro and not Smart Bro(ke). Before I had this funny connection, I needed to give YouTube™ a bit of a head start before I can watch anything continously but this time I just click a link and play. Funny enough, all these miraculous things started to happen when I decided to not pay my Smart Bro service and just wait for my service to get disconnected because I recently signed a contract with Globe Broadband and it would not make sense logically and economically to have 2 internet service provider at the same time. I was thinking this is some sort of strategy to entice me not to cancel the service and just stick to them. 

 In any case, whatever the reason for this strange occurance might be I’ll just leave it as it is and will not bother myself in thinking too deeply about it as there are more pressing matters at hand that I have to think of like for example whether I’ll still have a job after this week or not. I’ll just take advantage of this incident by downloading all the stuff that I want to download before my connection runs out of nitro and reverts back to running on ordinary gas.

I missed this view
I missed this view.

Curiosity really kills the cat.

Well yeah, so yesterday I visited my old high school which I had never visited for ages now. I only visited it yesterday because of a mysterious e-mail sent to the alumni asking us to gather this Sunday for some vague prupose – and I only learned of this gathering a day before when my friend Vic asked me if I have received the e-mail which I have not because, heck, why would I give my school my e-mail address anyway. So being the bored and curious person that I am, I heed the call since I have nothing to do anyway but it turned out into a WTH?!-what-am-I-doing-here affair of some sort.

Here is the e-mail by the way and my comments are italicized.

WHAT: General Assembly DEKADA Event Read the rest of this entry »

Maybe because I only had 3 hours of sleep yesterday that is why I was feeling really horrible last night while playing DotA even though it was just 11. Usually, I go on to play until 3 in the morning during my day off but i was feeling extremely drowsy, my headache was terrible and I feel nauseated that I had to call it quits at the stroke of midnight. When I got home, I only bothered to check my downloads and then got immediately to sleep.  I think I really did lack sleep since I woke up this morning refreshed as if the ordeal last night did not happened.

Anyway, going about my daily routine which includes checking the anime blogosphere, I stumbled about these wonderful AMVs from Mainichi Anime Yume some of which really got to my sentimental side.

Beautiful Day by Funky-kun

World’s Unbroken by Sierra Lorna & silver moon

You know you have watched a lot anime series if you can tell the references for the first video. Like the author of the blog where I got these videos, I believe even non-anime viewer can appreciate the first video since it was superbly composed befitting of U2’s Beautiful Day. I think the effect is amplified further when you know the references because if you know which anime series the clips where taken from, you most probably know the stories behind those series; And most of the anime series used on the first video are probably the most touching series out there (AIR, ef ~ a Tale of Memory/Melodies~ and Makoto Shinkai’s movies). This video made me all warm inside and made me yearn to watch those series again but the second video really made me want to cry, well ‘almost’ cry again.

AIR. The second video is about the series AIR. It doesn’t do the series justice if I where to describe it since the best way to describe how great AIR was to view all 13 episodes of it. As far as I can remember, AIR was the first series that touched my sentimental side – I had to suppress the tears while watching the series since it’s not really a pleasant sight to see a male high school student crying.

That’s it for now. Agenda for the day is RF Online – power level and PT Grinding mode.

One good thing about my house is that you still get to enjoy a refreshing cool breeze to blow away all the uncomfortable sticky feeling as if the hot, humid afternoon never existed. I live on a hill which I could say has a pretty good view of the town on the foot of the hill – on one side is an overlooking view of Angono (known as the Art Capital of the Philippines and is the town on the foot of the hill that I am living at) and Laguna Lake, and on the other side, a luscious sight of greenery to calm one’s senses. It’s a good retreat especially for someone like me who does a stressful job on a stressful environment. The silent streets  during the afternoon, a time when I usually get my rest, provides a sense of tranquility to dispel all the worldly problems and acts as a mode of escape from the noise of the city.

Once in a while, I do climb up the hill for a change of scenery since it’s kind of a different world out there, very different from the towering buildings of the metro, a world where you can still hear the pleasant chirping of birds and not the irksome hum of engines and machinery; a world where you can still take in a very deep breath without worrying about any choking fumes that can bring you down to your knees; a world where you can just forget about the passage of time and a place where time can just stand still.

Anyway, that’s it for now, two more days to go before the most anticipated rest day. Time to prepare.

Well yeah, I’m still alive and just now I decided to re-animate this blog after a long hiatus and, yeah, a lot has happened ever since the latest post of this blog which was posted at the end of the first quarter of this year and look at now, it’s almost the end of the third quarter. Time sure does fly when you are having fun….or doing nothing at all.

As I’ve said, a lot of major thing really happened these months that I haven’t been posting. I’m currently on a leave of absence from college to take a break from my studies since, to be honest, repeating two years of college (I shifted to BS Computer Science from BS Electronics and Communications Engineering and Don Bosco never credited my two years of being an engineering student in Ateneo de Manila) really did burnt me out and I needed a little break from all these studying. Another major factor for this decision, and a thing I’ve only kept to myself for the longest time now, maybe as a way to preserve the image that I have and maybe a way to protect myself because I’m not the type of person to go about telling people about my problems, is that things are not going really well at home. It’s a really depressing matter which I do not want to discuss right now but basically the lesson here is that there are some things that are difficult to heal if it is possible to heal it at all.

Anyways, enough of that matter, right now I manage to land a job as a Technical Support Representative on one of the call centers near my home and now currently on my third month on my first job. It’s a good-paying and a generally fun job too for a student like me who is on leave of absence while I’m waiting for things to settle down. You get to interact with all sorts of people ranging from the enthusiastic caller who understands the scope of our job to the not-to-tech savvy callers, usually old people, who needs setp-by-step instruction on performing the basics (they only use their computer to read and send e-mail), and to the irate ones who most of the time is irrational and doesn’t know what we can and what we cannot do as a technical support agent ( ).  I said fun but it gets kind of toxic at times especially when you are not in the mood but you need to keep your composure. Right now I’m having a hard time just staying awake when it hits 4 in the morning, and my shift ends at 9.

I think that’s it for now, maybe this time I’ll try posting an entry a day just to keep me from boredom since I really don’t have much to do at home other than browsing the net for all sort of stuff ranging from news of the deteriorating situation between Georgia and Russia to the really weird one like Octopus (yeah, the cephalopod) usage in pron in Japan (I was like, what the heck was that, when I read that one)…*ehem* anyway, I’ll stop right now before I post even more weird stuff here besides my shift starts at 11:45 so I need to prepare.

[this is a long overdue post (February 25)…]

I wonder when I began to hate the rain.

It has been raining for the past few days as if to reflect the torrid of emotions  drenching me for these past few days. The nights are horribly cold, the warmth of the flame called hope that has been warming me for the longest time is being stifled, slowly, by the cold winds of despair as a dark, ominous mist descends blurring my vision of my future self that was once crystal clear to me.

My old optimistic self would never have imagine that I would land a foot in a pit of despair. Thankfully it’s just a foot but even though it’s just one foot, I can feel that this quicksand of despair is dragging me and will continue to drag me if I don’t do something about it.

Looking up the crescent moon as I was walking down the empty streets of our subdivision before daybreak, I once again find myself questioning just where this life of mine is heading to. The gloomy orange lights radiating from the posts lining the quiet streets only serves to dampen the mood even more putting me in a state of temporal melancholy.

I have been slacking off lately. I have been become more or less a delinquent with this attitude of mine. For this, I am beginning to hate myself. The optimism that once fill me is slowly beginning to be corrupted by pessimism. I feel as if my life is going to crash somewhere ahead unless I take a detour but then again, I have been to so many detours but I still end up going the wrong way. I wonder why?

Like the glimmer of twilight, my future looks diffused and I don’t know whether this twilight is from daybreak or sunset. The unclear line that is my future has become even more vague.

Loneliness is indeed my sanctuary, a place where only myself can hurt me. I began to remember why I named this blog that way because a small glint of happiness in this sea of loneliness can turn into a transient euphoria.

My Yahoo Messenger won’t allow me to make my deviantArt page the link of my status message. Anyway, I’ll just post sketch number 2 of my 1 year long quest:


Anyways, another boring day. Speaking of the New Year, I still am too afraid to open my cellphone. I still haven’t read any messages since the New Year. Maybe I’ll write about it later just to relieve me of this tension.

July 2018
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